I don’t really know how to start this update, because the weight of this particular diagnosis is quite heavy and there’s no real way to be honest about it and yet not sound like I’m being extreme at the same time. I’m not being extreme. I never am when it comes to my health, because I don’t want to scare people…and because I’m not sure people would listen to the entirety of the truth even if I did try to tell it all, since in my experience people tend to tune my words out the moment they get overwhelmed…and I know the reality of the state of my body is overwhelming.
But there really isn’t any other way to share this update except to just say it as it is, so here goes…the scariest and most serious of all my current diagnosis is that my brain is dying.
Walker and I already knew that I had a lot of brain damage because I had a brain scan a couple months ago that showed that the majority of my brain was, quite literally, broken. We didn’t understand just how critical the situation was, because when I got the scan my doctor gave me the “nice” version of things…only I didn’t know that. She told me that I needed to start a specific treatment program as soon as possible to try and reverse some of the brain damage, and she told me that I would start feeling a lot better once I completed treatment. Everything sounded great except that the treatment was quite expensive and there was a big chance that my insurance wouldn’t cover it. So since we couldn’t currently afford it, we had to put it on the backburner for a few months until we got all of that worked out.
Well fast-forward to last month when I ended up at the doctor’s office after a near-death experience during the crazy firestorms and my doctor told me the real status of my brain damage. Not the previously mentioned “nice” version that they tell you when they don’t want to scare you, but the blunt truth that they tell you when they do want to scare you because your life is at serious risk.
She told me that my brain was failing, and as a result heart failure was beginning to follow. If I didn’t start treatment immediately, I could either die soon or end up brain dead, which to me would be even worse than dying. And get this, the parts of my brain that are the most damaged are the parts that control my body’s ability to heal itself…which explains a whole stinkin lot about my body and why it never seems to get healthy, but only more sick, over time. NO WONDER I seem to develop new diagnoses with every month or with every time I have a new health setback!
Well, my doctor knew I couldn’t afford the brain treatment yet, but told me that my life was more important than being able to pay her anytime soon for it. I could start right away and pay off my bills in the future whenever I could, with no deadlines or pressure…which is incredibly amazing. A huge gift from God. It blows my mind that I have a doctor to who genuinely cares about people as much as she does…who cares about me as much as she does. She told me once that she sees me as more of her daughter than her patient, and her love and care has brought so much healing to my heart and life over the last few years…I am so, so thankful.
There’s a lot more to say about my brain damage/failure, but this is enough for now because, as I shared earlier, I’m trying to share these updates in more bite-sized portions…which means I have to leave a lot of information unsaid and a lot of questions unanswered. For example, I’m sure some of you are wondering how I got all this brain damage in the first place!
I’m hoping to answer that question in my next post, but even if I end up unable to do so the answer is coming. I just need a lot of time. I’m sure you can imagine how difficult it is to put words together in a clear way when you have multiple chronic illnesses as well as loads & loads of brain damage…it takes a lot of effort and time, so I really appreciate your patience, prayers, and kindness as I continue to fight for healing as well as try to share some of my heart with the world.
Love you all,