When I was a kid, pretty much the best word I knew was “cousin.” My cousin Julia was my partner in crime (well, as much of a partner-in-crime as two innocent, very much not criminally-bent kids could be), and if all the laughter and crazy adventures of my life could be filled up in bottles and measured, bottles marked with “Julia” would most definitely take over a huge percentage of the room. Cousins were the best, and Julia was the best cousin around.
Well. When we were kids, my family took Julia with us on a camping trip to THE COLDEST lake. We couldn’t spend more than a few seconds in the water at a time, because if we did we’d start to go numb, but it was summer, and we were kids determined to have fun, so we came up with an idea to force us into that freezing cold water…we created an infomercial.
The commercial we created was a commercial for parents of kids who were always getting dirty. Think soap commercial, only it wasn’t for soap because the emphasis of our commercial was that soap only makes kids dirtier over time. Soap was sub-par. We were advertising a magical, new formula called “Zeniqua,” a formula so powerful that all it took was one second in Zeniqua infused water (cue a bunch of kids jumping in and out of a freezing cold lake) and TA-DA! Perfectly clean children! (Cue children smiling at an imaginary camera to a very professional voiceover.)
And Zeniqua wasn’t just for kids! It was for adults too!
We acted out many versions of our Zeniqua commercial that day at the lake, and when we came home Julia and I were determined to make newspaper advertisements of it because 1) we thought we were hilarious, and 2) we wanted to remember Zeniqua forever.
I believe we only ended up writing out one version of our many Zeniqua commercials, and I had no idea Julia had kept it all this time until she sent me an email the other day containing a very special photo…
Our very first Zeniqua ad!
Naturally I had to share our brilliant, little kid genius with you all, haha, and in case you can’t read it, I’ve written most of it down below…
(By the way, notice in the photo above how the ingredients are mostly just different ways of saying “water.” And notice how we were apparently charging at least $300 for just 2 ounces of it…Scam artists? Who? Us??)
Are you struggling with becoming clean? Is B.O. your worst enemy?
ZENIQUA is the answer!
Just one drop of Zeniqua in your bath and/or sink water, and you are cleaner than any soap or water combined will ever get you. Soap doesn’t solve the problem. It still leaves germs. Discover the joy of an ultimately clean body.
Side effects may be:
Chicken pox, mumps, hives, rapid nose growth, drowsiness, headaches, major mood swings, swelling in between toes, rashes, occasional nausea (+ more*)!
FOR QUESTIONS, COMMENTS, TO ORDER, OR TO FIND OUT THE OTHER SIDE EFFECTS, CALL OR VISIT ZENIQUA ON THE WEB.
(*and in rare cases, death)
This product makes no guarantees.