Sometimes life knocks you down. Sometimes the pain of many years, all the pain you didn’t know you were carrying, catches up with you in one moment and it feels like your heart has finally received the blow that will break it forever…
“When life knocks you down, get back up,” they say. But what if you can’t get back up this time? What if you’ve had to force yourself to get back up so many times that today it feels impossible? What if you truly feel like you’ve reached the very bottom of your strength? The very end of yourself? What if the pain is so bad that you can’t seem to stand, can’t seem to think, can’t seem to even breathe? What then?
How do you heal when you feel broken beyond repair?
I wish I had the answer, but I don’t. At less broken states of my heart, less shattering moments of my very soul, I knew what to do. I knew how to get back up and keep fighting. I knew how to overcome. But today…I have no idea. Today I feel like I will never heal. Like I will never feel normal again.
But I’ve felt this way before and I made it through, so I will make it through this time too.
I will cry out to the Great Physician for healing…the doctor who can heal not only broken bodies but broken souls.
I will cast my pain on the One who bore my pain and my broken heartedness so that I could be healed.
I will lean on the people who love me, in a way that I’ve never dared to before.
I will hold on to God’s promises.
I will get therapy.
I will take special care to diligently care for my body in this time of extra risk.
I will take care of my spirit as best I know how.
I will take care of my mind.
I will fight to choose love, not fear, in every moment, so that I do not transmit my pain to anyone else.
I will cling to my heavenly father. Cling to Jesus. Cling to hope. And by God’s grace I will get through this…somehow. Just as I’ve gotten through everything else in my life before.
There is always good. There is always life. There is always hope. And as I navigate this painful time in my life, I’m reminded of a Little Expressions I wrote a few years ago. I’d like to end this post on that note…
i still dare to believe
i still dare to hope
dare to dream
i’ll take this broken heart
and set it free
because i believe
You don’t waste my pain
You don’t leave me stranded
even in the dark
You still take my hand
and pull me through
pull me to You
and right now
that’s enough for me